ZOMG!!! i cant believe i actually remembered my password for this thingy!! its only been what? almost 2 years?? well dont worry im not as insane as i was when i left...still nuts but not commitable... :) im on myspace now so i actually forgot about this site til a friend mentioned it tonight and i thought...OH YEAH!! i had one of those once!! so here i am again!! run and hide!! LOL

surgery went ok cyst is gone... i have endometrosis too which means my insides are attached to other things in there... plus i have to get my liver checked cuz it looks like somethings stuck on it too... but i dont have cancer from what they can tell... so i have a few more doctors visits and i should be good to go.

sorry... ive been extremly emotional... nothing new i guess... i sound harsh when im upset... its not often i speak my mind about things...mostly because it come outs sounding all wrong...

i was really confused at the end of last year.... holidays make everything worse...and last year was an extremly bad one for me... i quit my job because i was getting so stressed at work that i barely made it through a day with having to take a personal because i was in tears... i walked out the weds. before christmas... so over the holidays i had to listen to my family saying how proud they were of me for going to school and getting such a great job at comcast....( i didnt tell anyone that i left...not even my mom) im just smiling and nodding on the outside while on the inside im on the verge of tears...no one was ever proud of me...and when they were i fucked it up.... and then with the added stress of so many couples and talking about babies and happy time and blah blah blah... i just had a total mental overload.... usually going over to my friends house helped... id get high and watch stupid movies and wed laugh our asses off.... but this wasnt working... i got even more depressed... everyone seemed so happy and successful... with there awesome new apartment and possible promotions and others with there going to school, and all with someone special to share in there happiness... i was feeling left out... and washed out.... 26 still live at home...no job....no one to share my happy times with.... i just totally feel apart....i cried for like a week and half....then i started putting out resumes and going on interviews trying to fix my life that i shattered....weeks went by stll no job... money got really tight...specailly since i pretty much spent everything i had on christmas.... i couldnt go out even if i wanted too...i didnt want to.... i didnt want to leave the house... i didnt want to look at people... i cried a lot.... i cut myself a lot... i took pills a lot.... things were really getting bad....

only thing that got me through this was knowing i had friends out there.... i knew it was a long time before id get myself decent enough to try to socialize again....but i thought it didnt matter how long it took...just that i got out of it. eventually....

so i got out of it. it was one of longest dark periods ive had.... december to may.... the longest was my entire 8th grade year..... but thats another story.... i got out.... i came back into the light....tried to start over with a fresh LJ and slowly find my place again.....

but now...im still lost... im still confused.... the friends that got me through the dark times....the ones that id thought would always be on the other side... are no longer there.... i guess it did matter how long it took.... i guess life is really too short.... i messed up a lot... i still dont quite understand it all....
i feel almost as lost and confused as i did during those months.... im afraid to just go away and deal with it again..... i might lose everyone.... besides if i let myself get sucked up in the dark this time...what happy thoughts of friends do i really have to desperately cling to? i mean i still treasure all my happy times with my friends....but last time i was expecting them to be there at the end of the tunnel....this time.... im not so sure.... so whatever i do i cant fall back in.....theres nothing to pull me out this time......

i dont know if any of that makes sense or if anyone even cares.... im not asking for people to care or whatever... just getting it off my chest so to speak....

doctor said i need surgery...ovarian mass possible ovarian cancer... if left unchecked can lead to possible death... yeah great

like i dont have enough shit going on in my head i have to deal with this now too? i already lost all my friends due to me being stupid and socially fucked the hell up... possible death... eh maybe it is for the best after all...

ive screwed up anything good i had going in life anyways... tried not to but did it anyways...never meant to hurt anyone...wound up hurting everyone i care about...

so DEATH!!! i fucking welcome it at this point... fuck it all... ive fucked up everything on my own anyways

AND NO!! FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME!!! I DONT WANT ANY GOOD DAM PITY! when will people learn that?? every time i say or do something people tell my to shove the pity... i cant fuckin scream it loud enough... I DONT WANT YOUR GOD DAM PITY OK?? so fuck off and leave me the hell alone... i tried to make amends...so im not perfect at it...if you dont know that about me yet the why the hell do you even want to be friends with someone you dont understand?

im sorry i thought being friends was that no matter no matter what mistakes people make.. friends where there to pick up the pieces and welcome each other back...to say hey you fucking did a horrible thing and you pissed me off... but your my friend and even though im pissed right now we will work it out... glad to have you back...

but no....i dont even know if the people want me back so i try to come back slowly... im not a TOTAL fucking moron.. i know i did bad shit.... and for that reason im not so sure who wants me back and who doesnt so i create a new LJ...try to start updating again see if anyone still wants to try be friends, see if anyone says hey welcome back you pissed me off but im glad to see you...so i know if i have any friends left... rather then just trying to say hey i know i just fucked you over in ways...i didnt mean it.... but do you still want to be my friend?? how the hell im a supposed to just force myself back in like that?? i thought it was the right thing to do to announce that im back and tryin things again... and see if anyone is out there that didnt write me off completely...

but no...what a fucking suprise!! I am wrong yet again! im so fucking confused!! i dont know where these right thing wrong thing social ettique things come from...im trying my fucking best here and everyhting i do is wrong!! i dispear because im having really bad mental issues and dont want to involve my friends because i know i can be total pyscho when im like that and dont want to hurt anyone... but that was wrong.... then i try to come back indirectly to see if anyone is still willing to be friends because i found out that what i did was wrong.... and that too is wrong

WHO THE FUCK WRITES THESE DAM BOOKS AND WHY CANT I GET A FUCKING COPY???

ok maybe no one knows this about me...BUT I NEVER HAD ANY FRIENDS GROWING UP!!! i never had parties or best friends or any of that... i kept to myself all the time just wanting my life to end...who doesnt know that about me?? well you all fucking should ive told you all at least once... i understand that im almost 27....but do you understand that until recently i never had any friends at all?? so all this is still new to me... IM TRYING TO DO WHAT I THINK IS LEAST HURTFUL TO MY FRIENDS... but how the hell do i know what that is??

what part of i have no social expiernce do you people not understand??
OH MY FUCKING GOD... ive tried to say it so many ways...tried to make you all understand... i dont know the rules here... most of it may be common sense to you all...but its not to me...

what i really dont understand is why everyone thinks im being selfish or whatever... i dont know how to state it any clearer... i really dont understand these things... im trying to but no one will give me answer that isnt full of hate and meaness... i just want an answer...

why wont anyone give me a plain and simple answer? why is everyone so mad at me.... i thought i was doin a good thing but going away and dealing with things on my own...which is what everyone has been yelling at me to do... im so fucking confused and no one will just tell me what i should do.... i dont understand... why is everyone blaming me? i know what i did hurt people... i dont know why though.... no one will tell me why... ive tried so many times to explain what was going on and people tell me to get over myself... i dont know why... i thought you were mad because i wasnt telling you what was going on...but when i do you tell me to get over it... do you want me to tell you or not??

i dont understand.... please just tell me.. thats all im asking...

*sigh* doctors appoinment tomorrow morning... i picked up my films and crap from the hospital... i read the reports...lots of stuff in them they didnt tell me... like i have cysts on my left ovary and my cervix as well...though not as big as the SOLID one on my right.... but a heck of a lot of them... im really worried now after reading all that... lots of technical stuff on em but i looked it up online and it doesnt sound too good... maybe thats why they were so insistent that i see the cancer guy....

great... havent been able to think about anything else for the last few days... im just extremly worried now... and they keep tellin me its rare for someone my age to have cancer not impossible...

plus i need to go see my primary again and try to get back on the paxil...ive been takin the lexipro which is fine for the depression but ive been getting freaked out a lot more in crowds and stuff lately... like im afraid to call people or leave the house and drive in traffic...my mom actually noticed it too...so thats bad... dammit... i just want everything to be fixed..im tired of being a total basket case freak with no friends...

so i FINALLY get to see the cancer doctor after having to push my appointment back two weeks because he was on vacation... i was a nervous friggin wreak... i was shaking the whole way there and practily in tears talking to the guy... and guess what?? I STILL dont know a damn thing!!! The morons at riddle only sent him one hand writtin page that made no sense... NO films of ANY of the tests i had.. MRI CAT scan Ultra Sound internal and external... NOTHING so he was basically like Why are you here?? i mean he was real nice and all and didnt even charge us for the visit... basically he just stated what we knew... i have a cyst that may or may not be cancer... Now i have to go see another ob/gyn doctor so they can decide whether or not to do surgery and if i do need it(which i can almost guarntee i will) the cancer doctor will be on stand by just in case... so basically i wont know if i have cancer or not until i have surgery... so i didnt need to see the guy i just saw..i wasted a step... so now Friday morning i have to go to the crozer clinic and be examined AGAIN and hopefully schedule the surgery within the week or so...

i just hate getting the run around... why didnt they just tell me up front at riddle that i cant do it there because there is no cancer doctor to be on call just incase...why did they not just tell me the first day they knew that it was a mass and instead of having me lay there wasting money... just tell me you have to go to an ob/gyn in crozer because there is a cancer doctor there incase you need him...and then why did they schedule me for the cancer doctor when i didnt have to actually see him?? why did they make me sit here all this time worrying whether or not i have cancer, thinking id get a definate answer on this date...only to get there and have the guy wonder why i was sitting in his office when i didnt need to be??

WTF??

so who knows when this will get done?? hopefully they will tell me on friday...

i cant get to sleep again!! i was ready to pass out when i got home from work and now im like wired for some crazy reason... i took 3 tylenol pms and a 600mg motrin and im still wide awake!! wtf?? lol im so crazy... i keep thinking about puttin pedro on a leash... i wonder if i can take her to pet smart? dogs and cats are welcome there....wouldnt it be funny to walk in with an iguana? and if the dogs start to get fresh id just pick her up and shed sit on my shoulder while we browsed the reptile isle... lmao im so obsessed with this friggin lizard! I need HELP!! seriously...is there a 12 step program for people with strange obsessions like lizard leashes?? haha i hope these dam meds kick in soon... ]

in the meantime im gonna go to webmd.com and look up all the cancers that i might have... my appointment is weds afternoon...maybe thats why i cant sleep...ive been increasingly worried about it... hmmm... oh well i wont know anything for a few days so i should just go look at more lizard pictures...or go wake up pedro...heehee naaa ill go to webmd...see what they have to say about giant masses on ovaries and what they can grow into....

im so burned out from work and all...but im like too hot to sleep... so i decided to google iguanas and look at pictures! that was fun... some were so little that this one guy had like 5 or 6 of em in his hands then some where like totally friggin HUGE!! i mean i knew they can get big but my god! this one was like half the size of the woman that was holding him... they were funny too...one was just chilling on the roof of a house..some on the rocks hanging out...others just relaxin in the grass...lol on was trying to drive a car... im on my ibook so i cant link the picsz (becuase im too stoopid to figure out how to right click on a mac when theres only one button) but they were all just too cute...

I so want pedro to get big and fat so i can put her on a leash and take her for walks!LOL imagine walkin the streets of chi with a five foot iguana!

i wore myself out today...was my moms annual memorial day picinic thingy... spent hours cleaning my room and pedros cage and just helpin out around the house... im so friggin sore and i have to work tomorrow... blah...no idead how to get through 6.5 hours of non stop standing and shit... im already sore and feel like crap tomorrow is gonna be worse

well its like 2 am ...and i cant sleep... been layin here for over an hour now... i hate that... all i want to do is sleep and get lost in dreamland and my friggin brain wont shut up... nothing big really just nonsense... now my tummy is growling at me... man i just wish i could sleep! id take some more pain meds but i have to eat with em or they make me puke... learned that the hard way....

i want to take a trip somewheres... take lots of pretty pictures... i dont take enough pictures... i dont have pics of my friends... i had a few of my pets on my desk at work...when i had a job with a desk... but that was it... thats one thing i do wish i had more of... pictures... photos... memories of good times... but my cat would just lick them...she does that for some odd reason....

i was thinking about trying to sign up for the military again.. i went years ago to join the navy but even though i got really high marks on the entrance test... they said i was too fat to join... so i didnt... now though i was thinking of trying it again...losing the weight and sign up... i dont have enough money to go back to school like i so desperately wanted to... so i thought joinin the armed forces would help...plus id be totally cut off from any help and have to do everything for myself and all so i thouught that might do me some good... but i think i might be too old... and too pissed at the whole war in iraq thing anyways... but if it wasnt for all that i might do it... if i could pass medically and all... i just want to do SOMETHING with my life... i hate the fact that im almost 27 and STILL live with my mom....and work in RETAIL.... and have no direction or anything... i feel so like a waste of space.... and so lonely...like no one understands.... or really ever will... cuz i dont fully understand anything myself... like im still searching for my path... most people my age have found there path long ago and well on there way....and im still lost...just wandering around hoping it will find me... cuz otherwise i dont know if i can find it....things happen when you least expect them... thats what everyone always says... but how? how can things happen if i dont make them? problem is i dont know what it is im supposed to make happen....just be yourself...thats another thing people always say...how can you do that if you dont really know who you are?? i wish life was simiplier and made more sense...but its not and it doesnt... so i know i need to change and take control...just have no idea how to go about it or what im supposed to change into... guess no one knows where the path will lead you...or is it you that leads the path? hmmm... so confusing.... life is what you make of it...ok so if its what i make of it...why am i even looking for a path? a path is a route that has been traveled many times... what if i dont want to go down that same path? what if i want to do something unique and unexpected? i guess thats my choice... so i say fuck the path....

and that leads to another quandry.... i feel so different and displaced from the world so i long to fit in and to feel 'normal' and blend in...but at the same time i dont want to do what is expected... i want to be unique and noticed for my individuality....an engima indeed...thats what i am... this is why i cannot make any sense of things....every fiber of being contridicts itself.... i want to be normal and feel like i belong... but i also want to be unique and special....confusion and conflict.... the craziness in my head and heart... sounds like a documentry on discovery or something...lol the warped mind of the insane and manic depressive....

what a freak! lol

feeling tons better... mentally anyways... still achy and hurting from stoopid giant ovaries... im on this quest now to lose weight more than ever... i mean i was like 250 and now im like 215 so that a big help but i still wanna be under 200 and im sooo close! i dont know... i feel like theres a ton of shit in my life that i cant change or control... so i found one thing that i DO have control over... and its been something ive been struggling with my whole life so maybe if i can conquer this it will prove in some way (to myself) that i can fix things i dont like... may sound silly but its worth a shot... besides i want to look good and feel good... im tired all the time and it sucks... my knees still hurt... even long after the surgery... and my even when i was little doctors said i have bad knees because of my weight.... so maybe that pain will lessen too...

oh and then when i get skinny! i can get my belly button pierced like i always wanted! but now im too flabby for it to look any good... LOL i got soo many ideas in my head about what ill be like when im thinner and healthier....wonder if it will ever happen? but i wont know unless i try so i will!!

yep im on a mission!

blah im in a weird mood again... where i have all these bad thoughts that tell me everyone would be happier if i didnt exsist... then i see ppl that are in the same bad place..and i tell them to its not right or whatever and try to talk them out of doin anything because their life is important and they have so much to offer...
then i wonder why im so differnt... why my life isnt important... but i feel that everyone else's is... it doesnt make any sense... except that in so many other people i see goodness and a chance to be great and so much talent... but i just dont see it in me.. i try and i like to think that i have talent and all but i dont..not really... im just a fake wannabe... thats all...

blah im going to bed

we went and saw the da vinci code tonight... i liked the book better..books are always better though,..but i still liked the movie, some stuff was changed to shorten it and all...but the added a lot more stuff that made it seem more fiction like... and they added things to say its still ok to be christian and believe in christ.... that stuff i think they added so not to piss of the church as much because story wise there was no reason for it... so that part sucked... but i guess the movie was ok... it wasnt anything to write home about.. but im glad to have seen it anyways.

Now i gotta see X3! been waiting since X2 to go see it! and its almost out yay!!!

i hate ovaries... i told them to just take everyhting out years ago when i was having problems...like having my period for a grand total of 40 days straight... but nooo im too young i might want kids later in life...pfft my mom straight out told the woman that im a lesbian and shes all like well what if you and your partner want kids? i said and I quote "well then id have a spare wouldnt i?" but still no...so now im having all this trouble now...grrr... i hate gynocologists and there so called logic... my mom keeps tellin em this time around that i have no interest in reproduction (heehee) but they kept talking about seeing if they can SAVE the ovary like its a friggin whale or something,... save the whales save the ovary...baaa...

im just rambaling really this is all the crap they said to me in the hospital no new news yet... im just tired of all this waiting... i just wanna know if i got cancer or not dammit!! im friggin scared shitless about this and the doctors dont seem to care... grrr...

oh and im thinkin about changing my whole image... i was considering going totally goth... i figure that way people will be less freaked out by me having one of my dark, depressive moods.... theyd kinda expect it... so when it doesnt happen its all good but when it does.. oh shes goth they do that...and they get over it...

i dont know... i just want this whole cancer thing straightened out.... grrr...and my moms not here to even get a hug from....dammit... im gonna go take more pills and try to calm down

well i finished reading the da vinci code last night. I decided since there was all this hype about it and what not and i had nothing better to do id read it. so my mom picked up two copies on monday one for her and one for me. and i finsihed already. I liked it. me being paganist anyways it was cool to see a bestseller revealing all kinds of pagan symbolism that are hidden within the christian faith. a lot of the symbols i already new the history and background on but still it was fun to see a book tell how chrisitianity was born and what secreets it tried to cover up. Even if it is all speculation and fiction. so im not good at writing reviews but I liked it

GRRRR.... i hate the US!!! so i was SUPPOSED to have an appointment on thursday to find out if i have cancer or not...but the drs called today and said Oh no, he is taking 2 weeks vacation so even though he can see you on thursday he doesnt want to just incase it is cancer and hed have to do surgery right away so instead we are gonna make you wait until the 30th.... pfft!! WTF is that?? id rather go to the dam appointment find out if i have cancer or not then wait for the surgery... but no my oppinon doesnt count its just my body....

so i spent most of the morning callin other doctors.. called one place they wanted 20,000 dollars up front because i dont have insurance...um hello!! i only work part time which is why i dont have insurance so how they hell can i afford that on part time work?? grrrr... so then i called riddle back and they absolutly refuse to just do the regualar surgery without seein the cancer guy... I dont understand why i cant just sign a dam waiver saying i promise not to sue you because i made this choice...but no... i cant do that...

so then i called this clinic... that was refered to me by riddle... they arent free...which is fine i just want a dam appointment but i called them like 3 times and get placed in voicemail so i left some messages and are waitin to hear back....

im so mad!! all i want is someone to take out my ovary! and they wont!

well i just got out of the hospital... i went to the emergency room on tuesday for adominal pain... first they thought it w as kidney stones but no blood in my pee then the thought it was my appendix but cat scan showed that was ok...but there was a mass on my ovary so i had and ultra sound and a gynocology exam the nesxt day.... that showed that my ovary is 11.8 cm in size and is leaking fluid....so i had an MRI done yesterday to look at more stuff...and now I have to go to a cancer specialist to find out if its cancer or not...that doctor is in anouther hospital so i had to get discharged cuz they couldnt do anything yet at were i was...so that appointment isnt until the 18th and if its not cancer they wouldnt do it there and id have to go back to where i was....

so the past week has NOT been fun...its been filled with a lot of pain and waiting around while my ovary is 11.8 cms in size and is leaking...fun fun fun

bought some new clothes yesterday...kinda had to... all my dressier work stuff is like way to big now for some reason..like a lot of tops were 22/24... and yesterday most of the ones i bought were 14/16.... bottoms i could get away with an 18 but i got the 20s for the little extra room...but there was one pair that i managed a 16 in... but i didnt get them...they were too expensive i just tried em on to see..oh and i got my mom a watch since today is her birthday... and then mothers day is next week...dont know what ill get her for that since now im broke again... but ill find something... i always do...

i think for today ill have a fun day of cleaning my room and pedro's cage. both are really bad as ive been tired a lot lately and havent had a lot of energy... but i just cant stand it anymore...I want to let Pedro out and run around for a bit.... but shes still not very calm about me yet so i dont want her to freak when i try to catch her again... i wish she would calm down though..i want to put her on my lap and pet her...shes just too cute! but she glares at me and whips me with her tail and sometimes tries to bite me... so i guess not... OH OH OH!! but she needs to hurry up and get tame so i can put her on a leash and take her outside!! i can be the crazy lizard lady!! yay!